My Apology For Immediate Release (A Title For Which I Apologize)

I want to say first off that I’m sorry for letting everyone down: My family, my friends, my representation, and, of course, myself. The victims, too.

My behavior has been inexcusable. It would be so easy to blame it on my being insulated by my wealth and privilege. But I refuse to do that, and the assistant I’m dictating this to feels the same way.

It would also be so easy to make some lame excuse like, Other people have been doing similar things for decades without getting caught or Only a few unreliable crybabies have complained — but I know that the time for excuses has past. I know that, even though I have a rare form of functional autism and sometimes struggle with grasping basic concepts.

First off, I need this out there: What I’ve been doing is WRONG. Nobody understands that more than me, the person who’s been doing it. I’ve heard the cynics out there. I’ve heard them say that it’s only the many articles and criminal investigations that have made me realize how wrong I’ve been. But this is a lie. I realized it when I read the very first article.

As a result, I am getting help. I have hired three eminent psychologists, six social workers, a famous pharmacologist, and forty-two lawyers to help me work through this difficult time. They are in the hotel room with me right now. It’s crowded. I’m thinking that maybe I should have hired fewer of them, the way they’re going through the sandwich platters, but really, it’s the least I can do. I have to get better at being someone who’s been bad but is now better, and they’re the ones who’re going to help me do it. If they don’t, they’re fired.

You have to understand that I came of age in the Sixties, when my behavior wasn’t a problem but was groovy. In the Seventies, it was awesome. In the Eighties, it was like totally cool, dude. I guess sometime in 1993 it became Whoa, dude, that’s uncool, but I couldn’t tell you when. Maybe in February? Who knows. But by then I was so powerful, nobody felt they could tell me, and no one is more upset about that than I am. Where were all these people who are all now in my room? I would’ve been happy to hire them if I wasn’t about to fire them now for not telling me then.

The truth is, I was never good at reading signals. When people looked in my direction and screamed “STOP!” I looked over my shoulder, expecting to see a train or a hawk. I never thought they were talking to me. When they said, “CUT IT OUT!” I would instinctively look around for a coupon and some scissors. You have to understand that I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. Would you blame a foreigner who doesn’t speak English for littering in a park after being told not to by a police officer? Now imagine that this foreigner is also deaf and blind. And in a coma. That would be me: Basically a foreigner in a vegetative state being convicted for littering — consensual littering, in fact, seeing how the park at least initially agreed to it.

While I realize that this in no way excuses my actions, I need to point out here that I always asked my victims before I victimized them if they didn’t mind being my victims, and they never said they did. This, of course, was a mistake. I should have gotten something in writing. I also realize that someone in my position can’t count on victims in this position telling the truth. I should’ve asked them twice, maybe three times, and really let them know that saying they minded wouldn’t hurt their careers in any way. Which it wouldn’t have! As it turns out, it was much worse for them that they allowed me to victimize them and then told people about it. It would’ve been much better for all of us if they’d just been able to say no in the first place. I’ve learned my lesson and I hope they have, too.

To show you how much I’ve changed, I’m going to do some really positive things that are pretty much the opposite of the bad stuff I’ve done. The poor will be educated, thirsty babies will be get milk, plastics will be recycled, and wars will end — all because I can be really good when I’m not being incredibly bad.

Finally, I just want to remind you that, like you, I have a mother and father. Not only did they create me by combining their chromosomes, they raised me to be a man.  

I think you can see where I’m going here.

This is all their fault.