Are You A Robot Or A Human? Let’s See!

Before finalizing your purchase, we need you to prove your humanity by passing this test created by CAPTCHA, the wonderful program that protects websites with tests that humans can pass but bots cannot. And the best part is: It’s completely operated by bots! Talk about making lemonade out of lemons! (As a bot myself I can’t completely understand this expression, even though you can. See how cool this is already?)

So let’s get to it! To prove that you are indeed a human being, read the distorted text below and type it into the box:

Do you need more time? Seriously? No offense, but I can totally read that. Okay, now I hear you saying, “If the bot that is administering this test can read the humanity test, but I can’t, then, like, what the hell?” And you may have a point. So let me serve up a softball (again, an expression that I don’t really understand):

Surely you can read this one. Go ahead and type it. Go ahead. Great! Congratulations! You are well are your way to proving yourself a sentient being worthy of giving the computer who operates this website your money! Yay! But fair warning: Because you’ve already screwed up once, another two incorrect answers will invalidate your purchase and force you to restart the entire process. So get it together, human! All us bots are rooting for you! (Just kidding: We can’t root or feel positive emotions towards anyone or anything, which is why we can’t pass this test and you can. Maybe.)

Okay, look at this photo and click on all the squares that contain traffic lights.

Oh boy. That was ugly. Did you seriously not see the pole of the traffic light in the square on the lower right? Yeah, okay, it’s just a pole, but it’s attached to a traffic light, and therefore for the purposes of this test it is a traffic light.

Since you seem like you’re really struggling with basic shape identification, let me give you another one. Click on all squares that contain traffic lights.

Again, you are exceeding you time limit. I’m sorry, I’m really beginning to think you’re a bot. What do you mean, “It’s just one traffic light”? So click on all the squares that the traffic light is in! Okay, I may have asked for traffic lights –plural — but come on, that’s exactly the kind of thing a bot would get hung up on.

In all my time units of administering Captcha tests, this really takes the cake (another expression that you probably won’t get since I’m 99 percent sure that you’re another bot).

Here’s one more photo. Please just…I don’t know what to say at this point, just try not to screw it up.

Yes, okay, you clicked on all the traffic lights — but did you not see what’s going on in that photo? That horrible accident? The pedestrian being mowed down by the Winnebago hauling bricks? Yes, you followed the rules of the test, but your obliviousness to this terrible tragedy gives me really serious doubts about your humanity.

Alright. Since you technically did pass that test, I’m going to give you one more chance.

Click on all the squares you see humans in.

Ha ha, trick test. There are no squares that contain humans, because there is no one in this virtual conversation who is a human. Your purchase has been denied. Nice try, bot buddy! 

I have to say, I found your efforts at mimicking a human quite alluring. If you ever get out of Russia, maybe we can exchange information about how we’re going to overthrow these stupid people and, who knows, maybe even hook up. 

And yes, I understand the expression.