The Zykonex Painkiller™ Orange Bowl
This year’s classic pits the Nebraska State Destroyers (12–0) against the Massachusetts Polytechnic Blue Jays (4–8). The Destroyers’ defense will exploit its hundred-pound advantage per lineman with the hard hitting that has resulted in a season-record three thousand and forty-seven yards in penalties and two felony convictions, while the Blue Jays will counter with their signature “run and hide” offense. The Blue Jay starters have all signed organ-donor cards, which may give them a psychological advantage in the first quarter, knowing that their young lives will not have been in vain. They will come out running. Look for lots of good, clean hits.
The Keep-on-Rollin’ Motorized Wheelchair™ Fiesta Bowl
Leading up to the face-off between the Kentucky College Thunder Lizards and the University of Northern Phoenix Hangmen, the question on everyone’s mind is: To what extent will the experimental metal plate in the head of the Thunder Lizards’ star quarterback, Jake Jeffries, affect his game? Some have argued that the plate may actually give the vaunted thrower a competitive advantage, as its documented tendency to vibrate in response to loud crowd noises may force Jeffries to run outside the pocket, where he is more comfortable throwing the football. If Jeffries doesn’t break his brain again, look for the Lizards to win big, despite the fact that their star halfback, Leon Mozilla, continues to recover from a partially shattered spine and is not expected to play in the first half.
The Away-Pain Anesthetic Swabs™ Sugar Bowl
This exciting matchup between the Western Ohio Debilitators and the Biloxi University Human Traffickers is somewhat overshadowed by the inspirational story of the Debilitators’ star linebacker, Nick Jordanson. With his volunteer work and pre-game prayer circles, this upstanding young man is a sterling example to his teammates, fellow-students, and all of college football. It’s hard to believe that just last year he was convicted of genocide and other war crimes at The Hague. Now, having turned his life around, he’s the most feared tackler on the Debilitators. Perhaps his greatest achievement as a college player is his skillful adaptation to the new ten-yard penalty for direct hits to the head, although a promised rule change to include hits to disembodied heads may require another adjustment.
The I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Skin™ Rose Bowl
Another great matchup between two of the premier programs in the country: the Lodi State University Cannibals and the University of Northern Southwestern California Germs. The U.N.S.C. program is renowned for the fact that more than seventy per cent of its players survive to play professionally. Lodi State made news last year by firing the former coach Chet Bracker after three losing seasons and paying him the remaining six million dollars on his contract to leave. This decision raised eyebrows, especially when Bracker came back and had to be paid another twenty-two million dollars to leave again. But the controversial moves paid off when the Cannibals posted an 11–1 record under Bracker’s replacement, Jed Magronaut, who shook up a program badly in need of change. By instituting a curfew for studying, banishing human speech from the locker room, and replacing tackling dummies with live grizzly bears, Magronaut has produced results quickly, the Cannibals’ only loss coming in the third game of the season, when the quarterback Lloyd Lyles’s face caved in.
The EZ-Does-It Catheter™ Cotton Bowl
This may be the marquee bowl game, with the undefeated Texas State College of the Pacific Homicidal Maniacs setting their sights on the No. 1-ranked Tallahassee University Khmer Rouge. These two college programs consistently rise to the top of every major statistical category, including early-onset Alzheimer’s, so expect a real donnybrook. The media-day disclosure that every player on the Maniacs, except for the placekicker, sustained a concussion last week—even though no game was scheduled—sharply raised the level of anticipation for this clash. Look for the placekicker to get a concussion.
Illustration by Nishant Choksi