Trump Tweets: The Classics
@realDonaldTrump
Tremendously fat honey thief Winnie-the-Pooh deserves to get stuck in Rabbit’s hole. Not crying for him, believe me, or low-energy Eeyore.
Are You There, People? It’s Me, God
Here’s my problem: I don’t believe in people. To me, human beings and their world are nothing more than the product of our collective imagination, a sad manifestation of our need to feel important beyond our actual existence.
Garry Shandling: True Lies
On ‘The Larry Sanders Show,’ talk-show brouhaha is turned into the funniest thing on TV. Ideally, the first sentence of an article about Garry Shandling would set a provocative scene — such as Shandling calling his co-workers “fucking idiots” — before settling down to the more mundane details about the life of a self-referential comedian […]
Monologue: An All-Purpose Oscar Acceptance Speech
Whew. Amazing. I can’t believe this. Thank you! You can tell that I’m very grateful by how emotional I am right now, though what you’re really seeing is incredible relief that I didn’t lose.
So Long, L’Carpetron: A Farewell To “Key & Peele”
I met Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele five years ago, in my manager’s office. They were looking for showrunners for a sketch-comedy project they were developing for Comedy Central. The meeting was supposed to last an hour…
The Original Selfie
The Lord God pondered this and, soon after, gave the man a smartphone and said, “You may take pictures of the wild animals and birds with this. Notice how the camera feature is almost instinctive. Which is, obviously, how I would make a camera feature.”
New Initiatives to Speed Up Baseball
If a game lasts more than twelve innings, sabres will be supplied to twenty fans from each side. The team with the most surviving members after the ensuing melee wins. All feet must be cleared from the batter’s box before the next game.
This Week’s Fines Report
I’m sorry to report that this was a busy week, and that there are numerous fines to report. Cleo, daughter, screaming / door-slamming, $7,875.