Monologue: An All-Purpose Oscar Acceptance Speech

Whew. Amazing. I can’t believe this. Thank you! You can tell that I’m very grateful by how emotional I am right now, though what you’re really seeing is incredible relief that I didn’t lose.

To even be considered in the same category as the other four nominees — [NAME THEM] — is such an honor, and the fact that I just named the huge talents I beat out for this award is in no way an implication that I’ve surpassed them and am taking special joy in rubbing it in their faces. I think I’ll talk about how great they are some more and maybe tell two of them how I’ve idolized them ever since I was a child, which will make them feel incredibly old on top of being losers. But that’s okay, because both are true.

First of all, I want to thank God, and why not? God is the Executive Producer of Earth, and he didn’t get the credit just because he found the source material. God is hands on. He created the universe, the Earth, human beings, the entertainment industry, cameras, lights, action — you name it. And by thanking the Seer of All Movies for providing me with this award, I am in no way suggesting that He loves me more than the other four nominees — [NAME THEM]. Though, if you think about it, there really is no other conclusion you can draw.

I would also like to thank the members of the Academy for this tremendous honor, because I’d be an idiot not to curry favor with those septuagenarian white men who, provided they’re taking care of themselves and not eating too much red meat, will have opportunities to give me more of these in the future.

Next I’d like to thank everyone in Hollywood who might help me with my career if I say their names right now: [NAME THEM]. I would also like to thank all the members of my team, and by using the word “team” you might think that I am the leader of an elite commando squad as opposed to one of myriad clients represented by the following managers, agents and lawyers: [NAME THEM]. I know that was long list, and that there is nothing entertaining in the least about hearing lists of names of people you don’t know, but I would rather bore you right now than risk the disdain of people who make their livings by taking percentages of my earnings.

Now I’m going to say some more names, but these names may be marginally more interesting to you because they are people who are actually important to me, and my eyes are going to well with tears as I speak them. My spouse, [NAME THEM], I’m going to make eye contact with you even though you are seventeen rows away and tell you that there is no way this award would have happened without you, even though, by virtue of how many other people I’ve thanked before you, that seems like a stretch. I also want to thank my children, [NAME THEM], even though I haven’t seen them for two months since I started campaigning for this award. You guys should be in bed!

Finally, to show that I care and that I’ve really thought about this, I’m going to offer up my award to the survivors of the latest natural disaster, international crisis, or war — though it’s hard to see what they would do with it, given that what they really need is clean water — as well as dedicate it to victims of racism, homophobia, spousal abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, senior abuse, animal abuse, and to everyone who’s felt the intense pain and humiliation that comes with a hoverboard accident [NAME THEM].