I’m sorry to report that this was a busy week, and that there are numerous fines to report.
Antonio Brown, wide receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers, late hit, $7,875; Jeremy Clary, guard, San Diego Chargers, striking / kicking / kneeing, $7,875; Golden Tate, wide receiver, Seattle Seahawks, hit on a defenseless player, $21,000; Des Bryant, wide receiver, Dallas Cowboys, excessive celebration, $7,875; Cam Newton, quarterback, Carolina Panthers, on-field commercial logo violation, $10,000.
—N.F.L. fines report for week three
The fine is more than the minimum because he is a repeat offender and I wanted to get Ndamukong Suh’s attention in this regard. I’ve got to help him course correct.
—Merton Hanks, the N.F.L. vice-president of operations, on a $31,500 fine given to the defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh for roughing the passer
Cleo, daughter, screaming / door-slamming, $7,875.
Julian, son, inappropriate language at the dinner table, $7,875. While Julian claims that “The Sound of Poo-sic” was simply a mispronunciation of the musical’s proper title, further review indicated that scatological intent was indeed involved. The fine stands.
Jim Branner, neighbor, $35,100 for allowing his Jack Russell terrier to bark from 9:12 p.m. to 11:04 p.m. on Monday night. Jim is of course free to appeal this fine, but given the number of warnings that he’s already received concerning noise issues, a reversal is highly unlikely. Jim, as your neighbor and your friend, I urge you to pay the fine and reacquaint yourself with the rules. Thank you.
Gerald Davis, bus driver, $4,842 for answering my question, “Do you know the closest stop to the A train?” with a mumble and a shrug. Davis is seemingly oblivious to rule changes making any lapse in courtesy on the part of public-service employee a finable offense. I realize that this fine is more than most M.T.A. workers make in a month, but I sincerely hope that the amount motivates Davis to make necessary adjustments to adhere to rule changes designed to make my life better. Best of luck, Gerald.
Janie Delano, barista, $6,102 for writing “Joy” on my cup instead of “Jay,” leading to confusion and several wasted minutes, not to mention a lukewarm mochachino. When I expressed irritation at this mishap, Delano exacerbated the offense by telling me that her “o” was actually an “a,” and that the cup had been misread by her co-worker. Sorry, “Jonie,” the fine stands. I’m retaining the cup as evidence in anticipation of an appeal.
This week, I’m not fining my co-worker and officemate Fred Baker for talking too loudly on the phone, for eating tuna fish with a spoon out of a Tupperware container, or for telling the story about breaking into the Chicago Zoo that I’ve heard a million times. However, I could not overlook the compulsive drumming of a pen on his desk, which will cost him $21,000. (Fred’s current fine total of $2,536,475 is a record.)
Sarah, wife, $15,000 for refusing sex (three separate incidents); $5,604 for yawning during the recounting of my day at work; $27,500 for eye-rolling when I made her aware of the previous infraction. This last fine may seem excessive, but recent months have demonstrated how damaging eye-rolling can be to our marriage. As a result, the crackdown on eye-rolling, and any physical manifestation of being “over it,” is completely warranted. I’m sorry, honey, but I’ve got to get your attention somehow.
Ann, mother, needless guilt infliction, $50,000. In a voice mail, received on Thursday, Ann made several flagrant attempts to inflict guilt, including, “I just wish you would take a few minutes to answer my e-mail” and “I know you’re busy, but I would love to talk to you when you’re not working so much.” Replays clearly confirm intent to shame. When I contacted Ann to inform her of the offense, she expressed no regret and, in fact, said that she’d do it again “if that’s what it takes to get you to call me.”
Make it $150,000.